Somebody That I Used to Know - Walk off the Earth (Gotye - Cover)

Here's whats been going on since i last blogged about the shocking and unexpected circumstances i was thrown into.  I almost made it to work without falling apart, but a block away from my destination the tears started flowing.  I think it was just release of tension; i wasn't feeling particularly horrible about my recent diagnosis, was just talking to God about it. I let it out for a few seconds and i was ok again.  As i neared work that, familiar feeling of dread washed over me.  I just didnt want everybody asking how i was doing, or giving me that look of doom that made me feel like they think im going to die.  What i appreciate and welcome most is the warm touches from everyone who just smile, and the ones who give me the one arm hug and a smile, and  tell me everything is going to be fine. Thats the encouragement i need.  And of course, I got the how are you questions, all day long.  I honestly dont know how to answer that.  my answer this day was only, "i have my moments"  I dont want to tell them how im really feeling, which is "those questions make me feel like shit".  its a catch 22, i would feel terrible if they didnt ask. lol.  so i appreciate their concern.  It's just hard to fake it sometimes.  It finally got to me at about 11 am.  I got up and left.  I had to get out of there.  I decided to go grab a coffee from star bucks, which is one of my favorite things to do, but on the way, i lost it again.  I actually lost it a few times.  try as i did to hide my tears behind sunglasses, I failed miserably.  the guy sitting at the red light with me noticed.  I tried not to pay attention, but he kept staring.  oh well, i will never see that guy again, i tell myself.  wow, when will i get use to this?  My cousin said she cried for 6 months, thats a little discouraging since she has got the most awesome attitude of anyone i  have ever known.  She always has.  Well, i'm in this thing, i have got to do what i've got to do.  I have a pretty large support system but  no one was to be found that day.  I made the mistake of calling Vijo.  he was okay, but he is not a strong person.  I almost feel like he can't handle this more than i can't.  But it did help to relieve  the distress i was feeling at that moment, So i thank him for being there.
One of my co-workers has stepped up to the plate and helped to get me in contact with a church pastor who wants to meet with me and get me set up with the cancer support group they have.  She also helped me get connected with a counseling session through work.  first 3 or 4 sessions are free.  That's pretty awesome.  I really need to get into a rational state of mind or im just gonna lose it.  This is my reality for now.  Its not pretty, however, I really am hopeful.  And when i need it most, God comforts me.
Today, i have been mostly up and positive.  It seems like so many women with this thing are coming out of the cracks of the walls.  There are a lot of us.  My journey through this time of my life has just begun.  I hope that when I am strong enough and have learned enough I will be able to encourage and comfort others who are  in the same place that i will have traveled.  And my prayer is that soon i will have a things to say that will be uplifting to others, instead of a huge drag. For now,  I apologize for that!

Where would i be without this guy?

I talked to Charlie for a long time last night.  I feel truly blessed to have him in my life.  He is encouraging, he gives me strength, he supports me and he stays with me.   He is reading up on all the stuff i should be reading about but can't bring myself to know right now.  He is helping me understand what he is learning.  The different types of cancers, the surgeries, the radiation treatment, the medcations, the pro's and cons of different procedures.  He is such a terrific listener. I worry that so much has been put on him all of a sudden.  We have barely started our relationship and wham, he is hit with this ginormous thing.  Most people would run away, Charlie is the strongest most loving man i've ever met.  God he is just so Kind hearted!! and sweet.  I love him, like ive never loved before.  He's truly amazing.  He is just so funny, he keeps me laughing and he turns me on!!  what more could i ask for? Everybody needs a Charlie of their very own!! 

Day three of week three

I didnt make it to work.  I sat on the edge of my bed staring at the alarm clock.  I tired to get myself to the shower, I did, but then reality punched me in the gut.  All i could do was sit there and cry.  It was too much.  too much to think about.  Too many people and their sincere concern.  Too much uncertainty.  Too much reality for me. I called one of my co-workers and tried to keep my composer as i told her i cant work today.  i just cant. My whole life feels different now.
I dont know what each day holds, but i know i will get through it.  I know God walks with me.  I feel His presence. On  that first day i drove home in shock and as i got nearer to home i started asking God how i could trust Him?  When all my prayers turn into nightmares?? " I dont know how to trust You anymore"  I cried to Him.  But when i came home that first day, to an empty house, and i was alone, i sank into my chair, and instead of fear keeping me company I suddenly with deep intensity felt  Gods comforting spirit with me.  sitting with me.  Not saying a word, but holding me.  I felt every part of my soul being assured, everything is going to be alright.  I will hold on to this.

How are you doing?

Such good intentions people have when they ask, with all the concern their facial expressions can muster, "how are you doing?"  Well truth be known i have been on an emotional roller coaster.  Rational one minute, then irrational thought processes take over and I'm filled to the brim with fear and uncertainty.  I cry one minute and the very next I can be laughing.  what the f...!!!   seriously i hate this, and i hate what i am going through and that i have no choice but to go through it.  I love the people whom God has given me during this time..Charlie, my kids, my family, my friends, my co-workers, my surgeon...all exceptionally wonderful, sincerley caring and concerned, and most of them encouraging when i need it most.  Some have no idea what to say, and thats ok, i was once there.  Now i know, mostly what is needed is encouraging words and lots of hugs. However, hugs come with the risk of turning on the faucet of tears.  So far disbelief has been replaced with ok, i got this, now what?, and of course shock.  I haven't yet experienced the anger.  I'm hoping i dont, because to me that means i feel hopeless.  I dont feel hopeless.  And for now i have no reason to.  Where there is God, there is hope!!

week one and two

two weeks ago i began to experience some pain in my left breast.  It was severe enough for me to take the time to do a self examination of my breast.  I felt something.  Wasn't quite sure what it was, and i mentioned it to by boyfriend, who insisted i have that checked out.  I promised i would, but wasn't all that concerned, however i had not had a mammogram in over 5 years.  I hadn't really been to a doctor for anything except my migraines.  I found a doctor, however being new to the area they could not get me in right away and scheduled an appt for a little over 2 weeks out.  When i arrived at work that Monday, i spoke with one of the docs that work in our clinic, and asked her for her opinion.  after a few questions she said i should be concerned and she gave an order for a mammogram, told me to okay it with my doctor, which i promptly did, and called to schedule a mammogram at Central Oregon radiology in Bend.  They scheduled me for that Friday. Friday comes around and i arrive at my appt only to have them tell me there is insurance issues.  Since the doc who ordered the test was a VA doc, and i am not a VA patient, they were afraid the bill wouldn't be covered.  I called my doctors office, but the doc was out and the nurse would not give the okay since i was a brand new patient who had never been seen by her.  She was nice enough to schedule another appt for the following tuesday.  devastated i left, and went through the weekend waiting and wondering.  Tuesday came around and i saw the doc, who immediately gate an order for a diagnostic mam.  However, i was not able to get an appt until the next day.  Again, more torturous waiting.  The next day rolls around, and my visit turned into a nightmare.  The tech spotted calcification in both breasts.  More pictures were ordered which showed the right breast calcification's as nothing to be concerned about, however the left breast calcification's proved to be of somewhat of an issue.  An ultrasound was ordered which discovered two cysts.  one in the right breast the size of a lima bean.  no concerns however, and one in the left breast, which is what brought me into this whole dilemma in the first place.  This cyst is the size of a walnut, however, it is also of no concern to the radiologist.  What IS concerning is the calcification's in the left breast.  They did not lay out with gravity, they way non cancerous nodules will.  I was immediately scheduled for a biopsy of the left breast.  However, they could not get me in until Friday.  That was yesterday.  I was a nervous wreck all morning, but was able to focus on my job, surprisingly.  It just so happened that i would be triaging for several difficult problems, but this was good, it helped the time to fly by.  I was still a nervous wreck.  1:00 rolls around and i am leaving.  I have a wonderful team of people that i work with.  everyone is concerned, and supportive and many are praying.  Now i am at the radiologist  clinic and they explain the whole procedure, which by the way did NOT end my panic.  It really made it worse.  So this is how the procedure went:  i am called from the waiting room and asked to step into a little room to put on the little top gown they provide. im asked to put all my belongings into a basket, and remove my earrings.  so far so good.  easy enough.  The health tech takes me back to the room where i will have the biopsy done.  It's an intimidating room and COLD as hell!   im told to sign some papers and the procedure is explained in full detail.  The doctor performing the procedure came in to introduce herself, a very beautiful tanned woman with my name.  I'm not at ease with this.  she is all dolled up and groomed too nicely to take her seriously.  OH well, this is what im stuck with.  I did not feel comfortable with any of the staff i was introduced to that day.  They either seemed plastic, or distant.  where was the warmness of these people?  fine!, lets get this over with!! I am told to lay on a table draped with hospital garb, i feel like i stepped into an operating room.  I suppose i have.  I am feeling especially anxious at this point and i am told to climb a set of steps to lay onto the table with a hole positioned at just the right spot for having your boobs fall through.  i am told i will be on this table in the same position for about an hour, and depending on whether they are able to get enough samples or not, i may be on their longer.  I am told to find as comfortable a position as i can and stick with that position. They really didnt give me much of a  choice there as im have been commanded to stay on my stomach with my left arm down and my right arm up and my face towards the wall.  So i get as comfortable as a person can on an ice cold metal table. The one thing they did that was of any comfort was drape me with a warm blanket.  I asked for two.  lol, thats what i do.  I'm always cold.  What i left out was the tech telling me that i will recieve a series of injections to numb up my boobs and they will feel like bee stings.  holy crap!!  bee stings??!!!  i hate bee stings.  thats like one of the worst pains a person can experience.  Then she explains that an incision will be made to the left of my nipple area and a probe will be introduced deep into the breast tissue.  did she have to mention deep???!!  oh god!!  at which point a camera will be entered into the probe.  pictures will be taken and then another probe introduced to cut out the tissue samples which  contain the calcifications.  And she of course also had to mention the size and how many.  four pieces about 1.5 inches long each, with the diameter of a piece of thick spaghetti.  my bones are feeling weak at this point, and i am shaking uncontrollably.  I dont understand why my body reacts like this.  I was as calm as i could get, but was still trembling. after the doc is done the tech puts my boob in a vice grip for 15 minutes to stop the bleeding and then im stitched up and bandaged.  Procedures done.  I try to get my rickety body up from the God forsaken position its been in for an hour, and step down the stair case.  Another mammogram is taken and   I'm given post op instructions and i get dressed.  I am then told that i will get results over the phone on tuesday.  maybe monday, but most likely tuesday.  So i am waiting.  Now you know what i know.

Dont let me fall - Lenka

W

Who would've ever imagined that such a sweet man,, with his hands in his pockets, charlie lamb style, would cooly, and collectively,  just stroll, as he does, back into my life.  Who would have ever thought we could fall in love? or is it lust?  NO, love!  no lust, no love.....well what ever it is, i like it!!   Its been 35 years since that man gave me the experience of my life, and that too i gave to him.  A shared sweet moment in time, preserved for just us two. And then...BAM!   heart ache that lasted 10 freaking years!!!! yeah, Charlie, you did that!  own it babe!  ours, like so many of my relationships, ended because of miscommunication.  It was meant to be i suppose, and our lives went on, as lives tend to do.  And now, if by magic, the man i so loved many years ago, is back and our feelings for one another have intensified. no, i'm not kidding.  its fabulous! and he makes me terrifically happy!

The first day i ever lay eyes on Charlie i couldn't help notice his shy yet sly impish grin, (i still wonder what was on his mind that day)  his beautiful smiling dark eyes peering through his longish white blonde hair swept to one side of his face.  He wore a long maroon jacket that looked as if it could be his fathers, being so skinny his jeans baggy with his flannel shirt tucked neatly inside.  Probably to help keep his pants up.  he had both hands in his pockets and he seemed relaxed, and cool.  My heart pounded like crazy to see him standing there.  He was only a boy, thin, sweet, and terribly funny.  Everybody liked Charlie. Always laid back, always smiling, very quick witted, even for a boy.  I can still remember his gait. one cant possibly explain a persons gait.  Its like the soul, unique and one of a kind.  But when you;re a 16 year old girl in love, you never forget.  And on our second date he became part of  my soul forever.  It was too late.  I let him in.  That may have been a foolish regretful mistake, for in my little 16 year old dumb blonde head, he dumped me.  my Dad had always told me that a man will hate you after he has had his way with you, and im quite sure this is what i imagined had gone wrong.  His rendition is totally different than mine, and it was apparantly I who did the dumping.   For whatever reason, it was over and it was gone.  My dream and my prayer, for the next 10 years would be for us to be together, forever. 
In time, I eventually stopped dreaming of Charlie, i eventually let the fantasy die.  Now and again he would pop up in my life.  He never spoke to me however, and i often wondered if he had gotten wind of the horrible rumor i had started, in order to get back at him for breaking my heart.  I had it in my mind that this is exactly what the matter was.  So even though we were neighbors for a time, and we were both older and more mature,  i never spoke to him either.   Now and again i would catch myself peeking through the window blinds at him as he worked on his truck,  or played fetch with his dog, or went running with his three kids.  I was still intrigued, and he was still Charlie.  cute charlie, but something was a miss, i didnt see him smile anymore.  He seemed stern, and serious.  I chocked it up to being newly divorced and newly single.  How hard that must be, but he seemed like such a good father,  always on top of things, and so very attentive.  unlike the dads i had ever known in my life time, including my own.  
Charlie was forever able to keep my heart warm.  Just the thought of him through out the years delighted my soul.  Why would one such  person have such a strong hold of my spirit?  I embraced his iron grip on my heart.  It was sweet and it was warm.
The years passed swiftly.  I have heard this phrase many a time throughout my life, and many a time i have experienced its plight,  Here i am 35 years in the future, and again our paths have crossed.  My years are catching up with me, as i look around and realize, the youth of my life is forever gone, and to take it's place are my grandchildren.  how did this happen, so quickly?  A love forever gone, has entered my life as if in a fairy tale.  A little older, a little chubbier, a little less hair, but yet the same sweet, lovable Charlie, giving me the same warm delight he always has.  My story has just begun to be told.....it's just so freaking romantic!!