SUNRISES, SONETS AND TIDES

Here's whats been going on since i last blogged about the shocking and unexpected circumstances i was thrown into.  I almost made it to work without falling apart, but a block away from my destination the tears started flowing.  I think it was just release of tension; i wasn't feeling particularly horrible about my recent diagnosis, was just talking to God about it. I let it out for a few seconds and i was ok again.  As i neared work that, familiar feeling of dread washed over me.  I just didnt want everybody asking how i was doing, or giving me that look of doom that made me feel like they think im going to die.  What i appreciate and welcome most is the warm touches from everyone who just smile, and the ones who give me the one arm hug and a smile, and  tell me everything is going to be fine. Thats the encouragement i need.  And of course, I got the how are you questions, all day long.  I honestly dont know how to answer that.  my answer this day was only, "i have my moments"  I dont want to tell them how im really feeling, which is "those questions make me feel like shit".  its a catch 22, i would feel terrible if they didnt ask. lol.  so i appreciate their concern.  It's just hard to fake it sometimes.  It finally got to me at about 11 am.  I got up and left.  I had to get out of there.  I decided to go grab a coffee from star bucks, which is one of my favorite things to do, but on the way, i lost it again.  I actually lost it a few times.  try as i did to hide my tears behind sunglasses, I failed miserably.  the guy sitting at the red light with me noticed.  I tried not to pay attention, but he kept staring.  oh well, i will never see that guy again, i tell myself.  wow, when will i get use to this?  My cousin said she cried for 6 months, thats a little discouraging since she has got the most awesome attitude of anyone i  have ever known.  She always has.  Well, i'm in this thing, i have got to do what i've got to do.  I have a pretty large support system but  no one was to be found that day.  I made the mistake of calling Vijo.  he was okay, but he is not a strong person.  I almost feel like he can't handle this more than i can't.  But it did help to relieve  the distress i was feeling at that moment, So i thank him for being there.
One of my co-workers has stepped up to the plate and helped to get me in contact with a church pastor who wants to meet with me and get me set up with the cancer support group they have.  She also helped me get connected with a counseling session through work.  first 3 or 4 sessions are free.  That's pretty awesome.  I really need to get into a rational state of mind or im just gonna lose it.  This is my reality for now.  Its not pretty, however, I really am hopeful.  And when i need it most, God comforts me.
Today, i have been mostly up and positive.  It seems like so many women with this thing are coming out of the cracks of the walls.  There are a lot of us.  My journey through this time of my life has just begun.  I hope that when I am strong enough and have learned enough I will be able to encourage and comfort others who are  in the same place that i will have traveled.  And my prayer is that soon i will have a things to say that will be uplifting to others, instead of a huge drag. For now,  I apologize for that!